Effective Communication: The DEAR MAN Skill

“Every criticism, judgement, diagnosis and expression of anger is the tragic expression of an unmet need.” ― Marshall Rosenberg, 1999

(Effective communication - doesn't always come naturally)

Communication - Missed chances and missed opportunities

I’ve spent a lot of time in my life replaying conversations in my head and wondering how I could have communicated better. Disagreements and misunderstandings are a universally frustrating experience. No one gets it right all of the time. Finding the right words can be really hard for everyone, and that’s before you take into account extra factors that can make clear communication tougher. 

Whether you suffer from anxiety, low confidence, overwhelm, or anything else that can impede your ability to effectively communicate, there are tools that can help. 

I am an integrative counsellor, and use tools from all manner of places in my work with my clients. One of my favourite therapeutic approaches is Dialectical Behaviour Therapy (DBT). I plan on sharing some of my favourite parts of DBT with you guys through my blog. In today’s, I’m going to talk about the DEAR MAN (maybe make it bold not caps) technique, which aims to help us to express our needs and wants in a way that is respectful to ourselves, and to others, so that we can have the outcome we are hoping for.

(Sometimes, two opposite things can be true together)

What is Dialectical Behaviour Therapy (DBT)?

Developed in the 1980s by Dr. Marsha Linehan, DBT was developed to treat borderline personality disorder. It’s designed to help clients manage intense emotions, improve relationships, and develop coping skills to deal with difficult situations.

Today, DBT is widely used in the treatment of various mental health challenges, from anxiety and depression, to substance misuse, self harm and personality disorders. It’s an evidence-based approach, supported by many years of research, and can offer great outcomes for those that struggle with managing their emotions. 

I personally love DBT because it offers a practical and skills based approach to problems that are really commonly experienced. DBT teaches us four main skill modules. These are: 

• Mindfulness - Being aware of the here and now

• Emotional Regulation - How to manage and change intense emotions

• Distress Tolerance - Riding out the storm when emotional crises occur, without making things worse

• Interpersonal Effectiveness - Increasing our ability to manage relationships and communicate effectively 

The ‘Dialectical’ in DBT refers to things that are concerned with opposite forces. Dialectical thinking says that two opposing truths can coexist. For example, “I can be a strong and resilient person, and still need support.” or “I felt hurt by what you said, but I also understand that you didn’t mean to hurt me”.

(It can be helpful to give yourself time to process)

DEAR MAN - Letting yourself be heard

One of my absolute favourite DBT skills is DEAR MAN. I use it all the time when I have to send difficult emails, or have challenging conversations. DEAR MAN is a tool that helps to script conversations, so that what is important to you is said clearly in conversations that might feel uncomfortable or confrontational.

So many of us find these kinds of conversations uniquely painful. Most people don’t enjoy conflict, so tend to avoid it where they can. This often means that their needs go unmet

DEAR MAN is an acronym that you can use to formulate your viewpoint in these difficult conversations, and help our needs get met. It offers a tool that lets us be clear on what we want, what our boundaries and expectations are, and communicate these in a way that is respectful at each stage. 

I've broken down the DEAR MAN scripting tool here, with a couple of examples for how it might be used in some example scenarios.

D - Describe. 

Describe the facts of the situation. Keep this to the factual information, expressing only what is relevant to the statement you are making. 

I noticed that there are lots of dishes that need to be washed in the sink.

Yesterday, when you said that I am too sensitive during our conversation…

E - Express

Express how you are feeling about the situation using statements that start with ‘I’. 

I’m starting to feel overwhelmed by them, and I’d really appreciate some help. 

I felt hurt and invalidated. I felt like my feelings don’t matter. 

A - Assert

Assert your wants or needs as a result of the situation. Be specific about what you are asking for. 

I need you to share the load so it doesn’t build up like this.

I need you to know that my emotions are real, and that they deserve to be respected. 

R - Reinforce

Reinforce the importance of this for you. Let the person you’re communicating with what’s in it for them. Model the response that you are hoping for by offering kindness or warmth.

I think we could get them done in no time if we work on them together. 

When you validate my feelings, it makes me feel understood, and lets me trust you more. 

M - Mindful

Be mindful that your goal isn’t side-tracked or distracted by other things. It might be helpful to acknowledge the other person, and how they might be feeling. Remember to be calm and respectful in your interaction.

I understand that you’re busy right now, and that you have a lot of work to do.

I know that you didn’t mean to hurt my feelings when you said it, and probably didn’t realise the impact of those words. 

A - Appear Confident

Appearing confident shows that you have conviction for what you’re talking about. Even if you don’t feel confident, you could use your body language by standing straight, making eye contact and speaking clearly to show that you really do mean what you’re saying. This is less about what you say, and more about how you say it. Don’t forget that a lot of communication is actually nonverbal, so don’t forget to back your words up with matching physicality or presence. 

I know that we’ll both feel a lot better when they’re done. 

I know that you care about me. I really value our ability to be open with each other, and I know that it matters to you too. 

N - Negotiate

Negotiating shows that you are willing to accept the limits of what is possible, and that you’re open to compromise. Sometimes, the things we need to ask for aren’t easily attainable, and we need to manage our expectations in this regard to ensure an outcome that is beneficial. By showing that you are open to compromise, you show your respect for the person you’re communicating with and acknowledging what they can do to help you. 

How about we set a ten minute timer later and tackle them together? I’m happy to cook us dinner, so you can focus on finishing your project. 

Next time I’m panicking, instead of telling me I’m overreacting, could you help me slow down with a few deep breaths or just check in with me? That would really help.

(The most important things are often the hardest things to talk about)

It's Okay To Ask For What You Need

Every single one of us has needs. Whether we need things from ourselves, or from others, the things that we need and want are really important. You deserve to be heard. Kindness and assertiveness can coexist together. The combination might just be what you need to improve your own communication style. 

I love that DBT skills, and DEAR MAN in particular, remind us that both our needs and our relationships matter. DEAR MAN is just one skill, but it can be really powerful, and empower us to navigate tough conversations without losing connection with other people. Communication isn’t always easy, but I love how this tool helps me to be fair in my approach to helping others meet my needs, and me to meet theirs. 

I can’t wait to share more DBT skills in future, and I really hope that DEAR MAN can be helpful for you too. Let me know if you have any success with it!

As always, wishing you all the best, and with the warmest of regards,

Laura :)