The Softer Side of Resilience: Why Does Self Compassion Matter?

“Courage doesn't always roar. Sometimes, it's the voice at the end of the day that whispers 'I'll try again tomorrow'” ― Mary Anne Radmacher, 2009

(Sometimes, compassion can be simple)

What is resilience?

What does resilience mean to you? Have you ever told yourself any of the following? 

“If I can’t do this, I’m not good enough”

“I can handle it all, so I don’t need to say no”

“Strong people don’t get overwhelmed”

“If I fall apart, I’ve failed”

Resilience is our ability to withstand the hard times, recover from knock backs and adapt to stressors. But why do we bully ourselves into it? Human beings innately have the capacity for huge amounts of strength, resilience, creativity and inventiveness. It’s easy to fall into the habit of just pushing through a bad day - or even a bad month - and tell ourselves that this is simply what is expected of us, or even the bare minimum of what we should be able to do. It’s easy to start using unkind words against ourselves from there. 

This kind of resilience can feel exhausting, and brittle. No one lives a life without difficulties, or having to do, or be, things we’d rather choose not to sometimes. You can try to motivate yourself with harsh words, being overly critical of yourself, or unfairly demanding, and this might work for a while. If you’ve ever told yourself you just need to push through it, or be better, you’re not alone. Many of us have. 

(Motivation can be hard to find)

Motivation, and getting through the day

We can be motivated by many different types of input, and throw unkind words and unjustified criticisms at ourselves when we don't meet our own impossibly high expectations or standards. Sometimes, our enforced negative perceptions of ourselves can act as motivation to better when met with a challenge of any size. No one actually wants to feel bad about themselves, and most people are inclined to try to avoid that feeling where they can. We end up bullying ourselves into the expected behaviour. And as life is full of challenges, this internal bully can become a pretty loud and persistent noise.

In thinking about how this reinforces and changes our behaviour, we could call the self bullying ‘the stick’, or the threat of punishment. The threat that we might not be good enough if we can’t prove ourselves to be can be hugely motivating. It can be so effective, we forget that there’s another option, but constant internalised threat of punishment can erode the strength that we have, leading to overwhelm and exhaustion. 

But what if there were another option, that didn’t have the negative side effects of ‘the stick’? It can be immensely difficult to let go of the reliance on unkind and un-gentle behaviour towards ourselves. I know I like to rely on my tried and true methods of getting things done, and trying different things can lead to uncertain results. In life, that can have a whole range of consequences, and anxieties and fears around this are common. 

‘The carrot’ can be found in self compassion, and kindness. As opposed to ‘the stick’, treating ourselves with respect, warmth and openness can improve our ability to be resilient, and rather than steadily breaking down our mental health and resolve, can help us to build strong, permanent foundations from which to go about our lives. 

Self compassion has been proven to lower levels of anxiety and depression, increase life satisfaction and improve emotional resilience. Dr. Kristin Neff suggests that our ability to be self compassionate allows us to bounce back from adversity, learn from our mistakes and be more motivated in all areas of our lives. 

(Offer yourself a different perspective)

Self Compassion against Toxic Resilience

Resilience is a trait that you should be proud of having, but it's not fair to sacrifice parts of yourself to achieve it. Self compassion actively combats the 'stick' when we attempt to enforce our own expectations, at cost to our own health and wellbeing. It's also not some made up concept that is some magical cure-all for what you are struggling with. It's not magic, and it's not fairy dust. Finding another perspective can help you to make hard decisions, when it feels like things are going too fast, without costing you a thing.

Self Kindness vs Self Judgement

Instead of being harsh or critical towards yourself when you make a mistake, try being gentle and understanding. Getting things wrong sometimes is a part of being human, and it’s okay that you’re not perfect. We all make mistakes, or compare ourselves to others, but when you notice your thoughts and emotions turning against yourself, try pausing to reflect on what you’re hearing. Would you treat a friend or loved one in the same way? It’s okay to forgive yourself for the things that you didn’t do wrong in the first place.

Connection vs Isolation

To err is to be human. People come from all walks of life, and all people are different, but we have some things in common. We all get things wrong sometimes. No one is infinitely strong. It’s okay to remind yourself of this sometimes. By doing so, we can take power away from our internalised self criticisms by reconnecting with the world around us. Everyone struggles sometimes, and therefore you’re not alone. When you practice self compassion, you might discover that you’re not on your own, which reduces the sense of isolation that can come with overwhelm and burnout.

Mindfulness vs Over-Identification

In this case, mindfulness is less about meditation, and more about being aware of your thoughts, and viewing them with openness and acceptance. Over-identification can lead to the compounding of negative and untrue thoughts, but when we take a mental step back to simply look at what we’re experiencing without judgement and with curiosity, we might see that there is more going on than just the feeling. Rather than getting caught up in the experience, take a moment to acknowledge that the experience and emotions are present, and mindfully notice what they are.

(Be here, and now)

But How Do I Do Self Compassion?

Many people live their lives focussed on their immediate goals, and powering through obstacles regardless of the cost to themselves. I know that there have been times when I’ve neglected my own needs in favour of what I thought others needed, or what they thought I should prioritise. It can feel impossible to break habits that are as old as we are. I think the first step, though, might be simply in awareness and acceptance of our usual coping strategies, and patiently offering ourselves an alternative to ‘the stick’. 

In practical terms, you could practice the following. 

Write a letter to yourself

This is one that I employ all of the time. When things feel overwhelming, take a literal step back from the situation. Find some space, and a notebook and pen, or your phone, and write yourself a letter. You might start with ‘Dear me’, or you might just get into it. Tell yourself how you’re feeling, and what you’re experiencing. Give yourself the time to notice what’s going on, and where the conflict is. Explain to yourself what you need, and give yourself the opportunity to slow down, and choose to meet that need. You are just as important as everybody else. 

Set a boundary

Choose one boundary you feel is important to you. Perhaps people constantly ask to borrow items you don’t want to share. Perhaps you allow yourself to stay up too late enjoying Tik Tok rather than get the sleep you really need. Make a rule for yourself, like ‘This week, I won’t respond to work emails past 5pm’, and hold yourself accountable for this. Decide how you’re going to hold the boundary, and compassionately try to stick with it. Your needs are important, but it’s okay if you don’t get it right the first time. Remember, sometimes we can cross our own boundaries. A boundary like ‘I will only watch 10 Tik Toks before bed tonight’ can be just as valuable as one that you might ask other people to respect. 

Compassionate forgiveness

If you’re human, like me, then I’m sure that things happen all the time that you wish you had done differently. Maybe you burned dinner, or said something you didn’t really mean to a friend. When you notice these moments of regret, ask yourself to pause and reflect. It’s okay to offer yourself some comforting phrases. You don’t have to change your entire mindset in that moment. It’s about noticing what is your responsibility, and what isn’t, and letting go of guilt that isn’t helpful.

You are doing the best you can, and that’s enough.

Everyone makes mistakes. 

It’s okay to rest and recharge. You deserve care and kindness. 

Your past does not define your worth.

(You deserve kindness)

We're All Human Here!

Resilience is not about being unshakeable. Resilience is about being shaken, and having the strength to be kind to yourself in your recovery. Self-compassion can help you to regulate your nervous system when you’re feeling overwhelmed, and help you to cope during, and after, moments of crisis. You wouldn’t walk into a blizzard without gloves. Self compassion is the protection that we can offer ourselves when life gets cold and harsh. 

What would it look like if you were to treat yourself more compassionately, or offer yourself the same care you would a friend? 

If any of this has resonated with you, and you think you’d benefit from some support, counselling could help you to develop that gentle internal voice and increase your capacity for resilience. I’m always ready to talk matters of self compassion and kindness, so reach out if any of this inspires a response in you. 

You’re not weak for needing rest; you’re wise for knowing you deserve it. 

Thank you for being here with me.

As always, wishing you all the best, and with the warmest of regards,

Laura :)